sincere: TWEWY: Neku is annoyed by the crowd (get out of my face ;;)
Kay ([personal profile] sincere) wrote in [community profile] insincere2015-09-01 09:55 am

Kingdom Hearts, "Fading Into Gray" (Aqua)

No matter how strong your armor, physical or emotional, given enough time the darkness will always, eventually, find its way in. As disciplined as Aqua is, she cannot last forever.
Contains bleakness and spoilers for the end of BBS. Some trippiness. Drabble for the [community profile] fic_promptly prompt "her dreams are losing color".


.fading into gray.
Sometimes dreams are all that sustain her, because even when the monthsdayshoursseconds blend together in unending darkness and violence, her sleeping mind takes her somewhere else. At every other time she has an iron discipline, unyielding perseverance, but when the lulls come in the waves of Heartless (as they inevitably do) she can take a brief rest to refresh herself for the next barrage.

She cannot allow herself to be afraid, or the darkness will take her.

In dreaming she can remember panicking when she thought she might never achieve a mission goal only to overcome it in the end and look back fondly at those youthful concerns; biting her nails with worry the first time Ven went out to fight only to have him return laughing and covered in bruises; curled up next to her bed on the floor and flinching away from the stormy night only to realize that she had to be strong for Terra and Ven, who were just as afraid.

She cannot allow herself to be resentful, or the darkness will take her.

In dreaming she remembers being jealous when Terra outperformed her in their training, before she realized that it didn't matter who won as long as they moved together toward the same goal; she remembers annoyance when she discovered that Terra and Ven have gone off without her again, before they return with gifts for her and she could no longer be mad; she remembers seeing a burning in Terra's eyes and thinking, why can't we be happy for each other? You are not my enemy.

She is without armor in this place, and so she must be her own armor -- leave no chinks that will allow the darkness to seep into her heart.

Aqua doesn't know if these memories are all real -- the darkness has worn away at her like the tide at a rocky shore. She cannot tell which ones are fake, if any of them are, if not all of them are. But it doesn't matter. They give her strength when she needs it.

She thinks.

It is long, long, infinitely long before she notices it. Slowly the color has been leeching out of her dreams, the vibrant blue eyes of her friends going dull, fading slowly into gray. Bit by bit, dream by dream, the darkness has taken even the sleeping echo of these weaknesses and turned them against her. It is inside of her.

She cannot allow herself to think, I don't know how much longer I can last here.

Instead, she hopes that she has done something right for Terra and Ven, helped them even if only a little, and that their stories (all their stories) will have a happy ending, somehow.

And in dreaming, she remembers being small and crying, and her dear friends coming to her so that she won't be alone anymore. It is a memory that she knows is not real, and which gives her no solace in its grayscale comforts.