Kingdom Hearts, "Waxing and Waning" (Saix+Xemnas, Saix+Axel)

[sincere]

He thought no one else would come to the ruined world of their origin, but when Xemnas finds him there, Saix decides that it's time to prove that he is not chained to the past.
Contains Saix+Xemnas and Saix+Axel in vaguely UST flavors if you'd like it to be there (with a little Xigbar for the lulz). Warning for mostly consensual scarification and Nobodies being terrible at friends. Written because temples demanded it, for the fanfic50 prompt "pain".


.waxing and waning.
The rhythm and the motion had all but consumed him. The adrenaline thundered through his blood, imaginary enemies falling before the arc of his claymore, drawing him into the dance of battle. He could feel the strain in his muscles, the sweat on his brow; in the midst of the dizzying chemical rush he almost couldn't feel the hollowness that haunted him during still moments.

But he was not so far gone that he couldn't hear the footfall behind him. Saix whipped around, lips drawn back from his teeth and eyes narrowed, the claymore scraping against the ground. He was ready for almost anything except what he found: Xemnas standing on the ledge above him, expression as unreadable and impassive as ever. Startled, Saix shifted out of his ready posture, straightening up quickly.

"Superior," he said, his voice thick.

"What has brought you to this place?" Xemnas asked, his voice mild and detached, but his eyes told a different story -- narrow gold stare trained on Saix like a hawk debating when and how to strike.

He cursed his luck to run into Xemnas here, but he didn't allow his dismay to show. He only said, "Training, sir."

Xemnas echoed, "Training. Yet if you feel that your work is insufficient, you would do well to ask Xigbar for more missions. He knows best what will further our goals while giving you the experience you seek."

As much as he was wary of this encounter, the reminder making Saix stand a little taller, mind suddenly whirling. He had never been alone with Xemnas before -- had rarely even seen the man. The only time Xemnas had ever spoken to him directly was that nightmarish day four years ago when Radiant Garden had burned around them, and a stranger had paused in front of a shaken new Nobody and asked, "What are these?" Behind him, Xigbar had answered, "Sneaks, is what they are. Isa and Lea. Two thrill-seeking punks who were always breaking into the castle. Who'd have thought they'd make it?"

And Xemnas had intoned, "You need sneak no longer. For you are lucky enough to have survived when darkness rent your human life from you. Now you have been reborn as our brothers -- Saix, and Axel."

But after that greeting, the Organization had proven no brotherhood. Within days their ranks had closed around Xemnas, the six who had been researchers and colleagues having little use now for the uninvited guests among them. Xemnas was their lord, he who seemed to understand the dark in which they found themselves better than anyone else, but he was kept too busy to deal with pedestrian matters like those that Saix and Axel were relegated. Xigbar was the one who handled them, making him the gateway to their leadership.

Yet Xemnas was standing before him now: speaking to him personally, listening and responsive, and no one around to complicate things. This, Saix realized with crystal clarity, was an opportunity... one that he could not pass up.

"It isn't that the work is insufficient, sir," Saix said, meeting the older man's gaze. "Only that I wish to better myself, so that I will be more of an asset to the Organization. I would do it in The World That Never Was, but I cannot reach my full potential there."

Xemnas's expression did not change, but his head turned up. Above the Lunar Plaza the sky was vast and black, pierced only by the cold, brilliant light of the waxing moon. In Never Was there would be only the blackness and the eerie neon lighting from the city, and its empty sky would not give Saix the power he needed to push himself to his limits.

Xemnas said, mildly, "And is that the only reason you have come -- here?"

Saix's eyes narrowed, quickly thinking through the meanings of that question, but Xemnas had already turned away. He cast a glance over the Lunar Plaza and banished his claymore, then stepped up to pursue Xemnas. "You ask if I have any -- connection to this world."

"I have no need to ask that." He did not pause or look back; he either trusted that Saix would follow, or he had no interest in whether or not he did. "I already know. I ask whether that connection controls you."

Saix felt his lips thin. It was true that the Lunar Plaza had a large role in Isa's memories, and the Organization was firm that they must not be ruled by who they once were. To dwell on the past -- on the past of a human who was dead and gone -- was to cease moving forward, to give up on claiming a new life out of their shallow existence.

But it was coincidence. Saix had not chosen the moon's power for his own, and the Lunar Plaza had been designed to be a place where the maximum amount of moonlight would reach throughout the year. How Xemnas knew that this place meant so much to him he could only guess -- Xigbar, he suspected; Braig had made it his business to know everything that went on in Radiant Garden -- and it chafed him that he knew so little in return of this man. He did not even know the name he had had as a human, that researcher who had occasionally left the sanctity of the palace to trail behind Ansem the Wise in public, a silent shadow with moonlight hair.

Saix said, "I am not controlled," and he meant it. "That life is behind me now. I know where my future lies."

Xemnas murmured, "Is that so? Or do you seek to recapture that past for your future?" His bootheels rang out loud against the stone, a metronomic tolling of bells. "Your... occupations do not go unnoticed."

Your occupations. Saix caught his breath, and then strode forward faster, to keep up with him. "Sir, my every waking moment is devoted to serving the Organization. That is my one and only occupation."

He came up beside the older man, who spared him a glance. "Setting aside the question of why you have come to this forsaken world," Xemnas said, low, "it is known you cling to the company of one for whom you remember feeling friendship, when feeling was not beyond your grasp. What is this, if not holding tight to an identity that is lost to you? When you look at Axel, you know that you are looking at someone other than your once-friend, and yet you continue to spend time with him -- as if hoping to fill your hollow existence with echoes from the past."

The words cut through him, concise and merciless. Saix found it difficult to breathe, pinned by Xemnas's stare. He had known that Axel was an entity separate and yet same to Lea, the remnants of a whole person who was forever gone -- he had known it from that first moment when Xemnas gave them their new names, and he looked to his right to exchange glances with Lea, the silent communication they sometimes shared, and instead he met the gaze of a stranger.

On every level he knew it, instinct and intellect both, but he wanted that comfort, that security back; ached to feel anything. Xemnas sliced right to the core of the matter, as if he could read Saix's mind; insight that almost brought back the memory of what might have been fear, and fascinated him.

But there were things even he didn't seem to know.

Saix raised a hand, shoving it in front of Xemnas and bringing him to a halt. He stepped in front of the man, filling himself with a cool, grim determination -- meeting that golden gaze with all the certainty he had to muster.

"I do not spend time with Axel because of a friendship that is impossible for us," he said, firmly. "I spend time with Axel because the Organization leaves me no choice."

Xemnas showed no surprise at this assertion, searching his expression, measuring. "Indeed?"

"The senior members are so involved in their research and their missions that they have no interest in associating with anyone else," he said, calmly. "I have sought to meet with you many times, only to be told that you, too, had no interest in speaking with someone like me. Having been told that I had nothing to offer the Organization, I've had no choice but to share my thoughts and concerns with Axel alone. I believe that I do have much to contribute, Superior."

It was a daring move, and Saix could feel a deep tension as he waited for Xemnas's response. Criticizing the current structure of the Organization, calling out his dissatisfaction, and putting himself forward as a candidate to correct their problems... That kind of boldness could only be either rewarded or struck down utterly.

The Superior watched him for a long, silent moment. "I am here, now," he said. "You have my attention."

A thrill went down Saix's spine, satisfaction or excitement or something else he wasn't used to feeling anymore. "Allow me to assist you," he said, intent. "Ask Xigbar: he will tell you that there are none in this Organization more committed than I am to our work. I want to be useful to you. I have ideas for how we might improve, and I will give you everything I have within me to reach our goal. The life that I had before is nothing compared to the life that you offer us. Give me the chance to prove it to you."

This was what he had been waiting for, the chance he had needed; the Organization obsessed over research and exploration and put not nearly enough effort into restoring them to completion. He and Axel had pledged to shake them from their complacency to make sure that they ended up where they wanted to be -- whole.

And his words were the simplest form of that truth... Only Xemnas could give it to him.

Xemnas was silent again, studying him with those eyes that seemed to turn him inside out, and Saix willed him to believe, to see the truth of his words and not the meaning underneath. And then, slowly, something remarkable happened: Xemnas smiled, his lips curving up in a lingering slash of pleasure.

"I see," the Superior said, his voice deeper. "An interesting prospect, Saix. And yet..."

Victory so close, and slipping from his grasp; Saix responded immediately, "Sir?" in restrained protest.

"I remain unconvinced that you are truly prepared to leave your old life behind," Xemnas said. His eyes lidded, only a slender crescent of yellow visible beneath his lashes. "You have earned the right to live beyond the fate that befell that pitiable human, and you have transcended the existence of the heart. It grieves me to see you wasting your potential grasping for a friendship that cannot be."

He began to move again, walking back toward the castle gates, and Saix felt his opportunity escaping him. Progress had been made, but not enough -- not nearly enough. He would not wait another four years before even the most flawless behavior won Xemnas over. He thought through his possibilities quickly, and then lunged forward again, catching the other Nobody's arm. Xemnas went very still, as if contemplating this violation of his personal space.

"The Recusant's Sigil," Saix breathed, thick. "You seek proof that I am prepared to leave that life behind? There is no better proof. I will wear the symbol of my rejection with pride."

Xemnas looked up at him again. Perhaps it was the heat or intensity of the moment, but he did not seem so unreadable as he had a few minutes ago; Saix thought he could see the brilliant mind working behind that slow, momentous glance. "You would brand yourself with the Sigil?" he asked.

"I am asking you to brand me, Superior." Saix kept his voice steady.

The X was just a symbol, but one that Xemnas took great stock in. He added it to each of their names; he lectured about the significance of the X, representing their rejection from their humanity. For him, Saix choosing to wear a scar that forever proclaimed his independence from his human life was a powerful gesture.

But it was only a gesture. What was a scar compared to the power he would gain, and the heart that would reward him for his troubles?

"This is the third time that you have refused to be dissuaded," Xemnas observed. "A determination that I admire, but you which you may find will be less successful, going forward." He straightened to his full height, deliberate, but did not pull away again. "Shall I assume that you are not interested in taking time to consider the matter?"

"My mind is made up," Saix said, feeling something welling up inside him once more.

He had only an instant to appreciate it before Xemnas lunged for him, a powerful hand fastening around his neck and hauling him off his feet. Saix slammed into the castle wall behind him with enough force to crack the stone, and he snarled, lips curling back from his teeth in reflexive reaction to the pain. Xemnas was close to him, his face only inches away, holding him pinned to the wall with the gloved palm cutting off his breathing.

Saix considered struggling, but then Xemnas said, "I knew you had the potential within you, Saix."

His voice was low, taut with something, and Saix found himself transfixed by those luminous eyes, not for the first time. Xemnas murmured, "You have chosen to pledge your faith to me, and I will see that you are not disappointed. You will be reborn to a new existence, one where you will know all that you have lost and more. You have shed all that held you back from my side, and so this is where your new existence begins."

In truth, Saix could not tell what held him captive. He only knew that in that beat, he believed it; that when Xemnas looked at him, with that rapt attention as if he were the only other thing in the world, he forgot all thoughts of furthering his own goals, forgot about Axel and about Isa; that in this moment, he wanted the gospel that Xemnas uttered more than anything else.

"Bear with the pain," Xemnas said, "and it will transform you."

"Yes," Saix breathed.

Xemnas brought the glowing blade to his face, and Saix felt the skin splitting with a raw arc of sensation that felt like madness, straining every muscle and racing through his atrophied veins. But he did not allow himself to struggle or scream, staring into Xemnas's eyes until he felt as if he were drowning.

After that it was an agonized blur until he woke in Never Was, with a bandage over his face and dozens of questions. He knew that he should not return to Radiant Garden without compelling reason, but he realized that he still did not know what Xemnas himself had been doing there; he wondered how a man who knew him so well could be such a mystery to him, even his true name an unknown. He wanted to know about Xemnas, wanted to be be indispensable to him in practice and in spirit.

And he wondered how he would be rewarded for his action, but that question was answered almost immediately. Before he had even managed to fully pry himself upright, Xigbar swung into his room with a casual, "Yo."

"Can I help you with something?" Saix managed, his voice strained even to his own ears.

The older Nobody grinned, wide and showing teeth. "Hell yeah you can, dude. You're gonna help me with everything." He lifted a hand, showing off a sheaf of papers. "Xemnas told me I should pass this off to you. It's about time he found someone else to delegate stuff to. I haven't had room to breathe for ages now." He dropped them on the bedspread next to Saix.

Saix stared at them dizzily, and then lifted his attention to Xigbar. He didn't know how to process this success, and so he retreated into wariness. "Then it would seem this arrangement works out well for the both of us," he said, cautiously. Was Xigbar truly so pleased to see his authority undermined, passed over?

Xigbar chuckled. "Totally." He tapped his temple, above the eyepatch, and then pointed at Saix. "Lucky you, you even got out with both eyes intact."

Saix sucked in a breath, and he said, low, "It is impossible that Lord Xemnas did that to you." In the memories of another life, he remembered Braig with an eyepatch and that broad scar, long before that world had been destroyed and Nobodies had come into being.

"Did I say something like that?" Xigbar asked, chuckling, and he turned around with a casual wave. "You can have the day if you need it, but we're all expecting you back in action tomorrow. And by the way -- you don't need all that Lord Xemnas crap anymore."

He left again, as merrily as he had come, leaving behind answers and still more questions. Saix stared after him, frustrated and fascinated in equal measure. They trusted him only enough to tease him with more near-truths, more mysteries...

But they had left him with some information, and he quickly convinced himself to focus on the documents Xigbar had brought instead of what he could not know. Reports, surveys, evaluations, research... Details on each mission, each world they explored, each member's activities and strengths... And a blank assignment sheet, for planning the missions they would undertake for tomorrow.

Information that he had yearned for, power that he had yearned for. His.

He almost didn't notice Axel's entrance to his room because he was bent over, wrapped up in reading and note-taking.

"So I had to find out from Lexaeus that you were awake," Axel said stiffly. "Let me tell you how special that made me feel. Oh, wait."

Saix let out a sigh, irritated by the grandstanding. "I've been busy," he returned. "You could have come to see me at any time."

"I'm here now." Axel spread his hands. "Wanna tell me what the hell happened to you? Because somehow the fairytale Xemnas told us this morning about how you took a bullet for him doesn't sit well with me."

Saix frowned a little, gaze sliding to the side. "Is that what he said?" he asked, quiet.

"He used more pretentious words." Axel scowled, folding his arms over his chest. "Something about how you sacrificed yourself on the altar of the Organization's future or some nonsense like that."

Fascinating. Saix made a noise in his throat, acknowledging, and then said, "I did what I had to do to gain Xemnas's trust. We talked about this."

"That's really not enlightening," Axel said. His voice was flat and annoyed, which annoyed Saix in turn. "Are you seriously not going to tell me what happened?"

Saix thinned his lips. "I ran into him while I was training. I took the opportunity to convince him that I could be useful to him, and that I was not chained to Isa's past." He lifted a hand to draw the sigil between his eyes, demonstrating.

Axel's eyes widened, and then he said sharply, "You didn't think about -- I don't know -- talking to me before carving your face open?"

"Why should I have? I didn't volunteer you to be next, if that's what concerns you."

There was a brief pause that felt like it lasted an infinity; Saix stared at Axel, and Axel stared back, neither yielding an inch.

Axel said witheringly, "Well, at least you got a promotion for your literal blood, sweat, and tears." He flung a hand out, indicating the piles of paper.

"I did this to further our plans," Saix said, bristling.

"Yeah, naturally. I'm really touched that you mutilated yourself so that Xemnas would make you his new favorite pet all in the name of our friendship. Really, it just gets me-- Right here." Axel put his hand over his heart, expression exaggeratedly sentimental, before it closed sharply.

"Enough with the theatrics," Saix said, cold. "We have discussed this before. You shouldn't be surprised that I intended to uphold the agreement we reached."

"Oh, yeah. I wish I could say I'm surprised." Axel's eyes narrowed. "Just so you know, I'm not going to call you 'sir' -- and no makeover is going to change that."

He left without another word, and Saix glanced down at his reports again, distracted and agitated. He got to his feet, moving slowly to avoid bringing fresh pain to his still-healing scar. He told himself that it was best, after all of that, if he avoided Axel when they had no need to interact, so that Xemnas did not have reason to doubt that he had made the correct decision.

When he went to change his bandages, he did not even notice the gold of his eyes.