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Xenogears, "Passing Moments" (Fei)
The clock is ticking down on Fei's fate, and he doesn't have long to reconcile all the information that he's learned about himself: who he is and what he's done. He can't let that moment pass him by.
Contains about 90% of being inside Fei's headspace, as terrifying as that prospect is, plus some implication of Fei/Elly. Warning for indirectly suicidal ideation wherein Fei is okay with being Han Solo'd in carbonite. Also contains a lot of wallowing. Written for a![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fic_promptly challenge week, to the prompt, "a small-town life he could have saved if he had only known himself better."
.passing moments.
"You killed everyone with that monster...!!"
Shevat's dungeon was vast and dark, empty except for Fei, which seemed appropriate. He was alone here with his thoughts and whatever else might have been in his head -- hidden from him but still posing a serious threat to everyone he cared about.
He leaned back against the bars of the little cage, thinking back on all the unthinkable things that Citan had explained to him. Even now there was still so much he didn't understand about it -- the second advent of Grahf and destroying God -- but his mind kept coming back to the one thing that he understood all too well.
Id was a part of him. Id, the "demon of Elru"; Id, who had destroyed the Yggdrasil; Id, who had threatened his friends time and again; Id, who had almost killed Elly...
Who had destroyed Lahan.
"Murderer!! My sister... Give me back my sister!!"
There had been no system error sending the Gear out of control. He had told himself again and again that it must be what had happened, but he had always known. The villagers were right. Dan was right.
He had destroyed Lahan.
Fei tangled his fingers together, jaw tightening. His skin was cold and clammy, although he couldn't say if it was from the stale dungeon air at this high altitude or from his own sickening realization.
He might as well have killed Chief Lee and Alice with his own hands. If Weltall hadn't been there, he really might have, and the thought made his stomach lurch in earnest. In the darkness, he thought he could almost visualize the blood on his hands...
What would happen the next time he saw Dan? Could he even stand trying to apologize, much less to explain?
"Coward."
"Coward...?"
The word was swallowed by the emptiness of the prison. He wasn't sure where the reminder had come from. Elly had called him a coward for running away from his responsibility in the slaughter at Lahan, without knowing how right she had truly been.
Too afraid even to remember the truth of it.
Fei spent a moment just breathing, letting it sink in, and then he said slowly to the dead air, "If this is my last night, I should stop running."
He was finally ready to accept it.
He closed his eyes again and crafted the mental image of the town of his memory, every field studded with crops, every rough stone building, every well and every windmill. It was so real that he could have painted it in moments from that imaginary reference. Then he filled it with people: the faces that had smiled at him every day, the hands that had patted him on the back or squeezed his fingers warmly, the compassionate souls who had raised him when he had nothing.
Then he imagined what would have been.
He could conjure up the memory of his attraction to Alice -- pretty, light-hearted Alice, who had always let her gaze linger too long on his hands or on his face when she thought he wasn't looking -- but it was a pale echo, tainted now. He couldn't imagine a life with her even if he'd intended to try making one. Running away together had crossed both their minds, but Fei had never seriously considered taking her away from everything she knew and everyone she loved.
She would have married Timothy, then. Fei liked to think that they would have made each other happy, the way they had before he'd arrived and changed everything. Fei would have continued living with Chief Lee, spending his days painting and practicing his martial arts and helping Timothy with construction work and repairs.
Sometimes they would have shared a drink together in the evenings before Timothy went home to his wife and Fei went home alone, no doubt to be hounded by Chief Lee about his solitary ways. Perhaps, with his two best friends married, he would have spent more time at Citan's, eating Yui's cooking and pondering over strange but seemingly harmless Doc's strange but seemingly harmless gadgets.
He would have watched Midori and Dan grow up... Maybe even watched Timothy and Alice have a child together. He hoped so. They would have been good parents. He would have loved to be a part of the family they created, even if only as one of many around the village who sought to make Lahan the wonderful place that it had been for everyone.
Things would have been different, in this world where he hadn't repaid their kindness so poorly. He would have warned them to get to safety at the first sign of trouble. He wouldn't have wanted to take the chance that something would go wrong, even just the death of a friend, if it might have had the potential to unleash Id...
If he had been someone stronger, someone able to face him in the first place.
Fei opened his eyes again and stared up at the ceiling.
Could he ever have learned to be that strong? Even now he only knew about Id; he still had no reason to believe he could fight him any more than he could have the half-dozen times in recent memory that he had simply lost consciousness and reawakened with no idea what had transpired. At least he had the consolation of knowing that after tomorrow he wouldn't have to worry about what Id might do.
Somewhere, he heard a door grind open, heavy metal hinges screaming in protest. Fei got to his feet again, ignoring the swinging of his hanging cage. A few beats later Elly came into view, her eyes finding his unerringly and holding there, their usual clear blue deep and fathomless in the dark. His heart skipped a beat as she approached. He curled his fingers around the bars, and she did the same when she approached, her hands just under his. Her skin was warm.
She said nothing for a long beat, just gazing into his eyes, and so he spoke first. "You were right," he told her, the faintest curve of his lips indicating the best humor he could muster. "I was running away from what I'd done. I've been doing it all my life."
Maybe he couldn't be strong enough to fight Id, but if nothing else, he could face Shevat's judgment and know that Elly -- that Bart and all the others -- that Elly would be safe from him. He wouldn't ever have to think back on what might have been again.
Then she said urgently, "I won't let them do this to you," and the moment of acceptance was gone.
Contains about 90% of being inside Fei's headspace, as terrifying as that prospect is, plus some implication of Fei/Elly. Warning for indirectly suicidal ideation wherein Fei is okay with being Han Solo'd in carbonite. Also contains a lot of wallowing. Written for a
fic_promptly challenge week, to the prompt, "a small-town life he could have saved if he had only known himself better.".passing moments.
"You killed everyone with that monster...!!"
Shevat's dungeon was vast and dark, empty except for Fei, which seemed appropriate. He was alone here with his thoughts and whatever else might have been in his head -- hidden from him but still posing a serious threat to everyone he cared about.
He leaned back against the bars of the little cage, thinking back on all the unthinkable things that Citan had explained to him. Even now there was still so much he didn't understand about it -- the second advent of Grahf and destroying God -- but his mind kept coming back to the one thing that he understood all too well.
Id was a part of him. Id, the "demon of Elru"; Id, who had destroyed the Yggdrasil; Id, who had threatened his friends time and again; Id, who had almost killed Elly...
Who had destroyed Lahan.
"Murderer!! My sister... Give me back my sister!!"
There had been no system error sending the Gear out of control. He had told himself again and again that it must be what had happened, but he had always known. The villagers were right. Dan was right.
He had destroyed Lahan.
Fei tangled his fingers together, jaw tightening. His skin was cold and clammy, although he couldn't say if it was from the stale dungeon air at this high altitude or from his own sickening realization.
He might as well have killed Chief Lee and Alice with his own hands. If Weltall hadn't been there, he really might have, and the thought made his stomach lurch in earnest. In the darkness, he thought he could almost visualize the blood on his hands...
What would happen the next time he saw Dan? Could he even stand trying to apologize, much less to explain?
"Coward."
"Coward...?"
The word was swallowed by the emptiness of the prison. He wasn't sure where the reminder had come from. Elly had called him a coward for running away from his responsibility in the slaughter at Lahan, without knowing how right she had truly been.
Too afraid even to remember the truth of it.
Fei spent a moment just breathing, letting it sink in, and then he said slowly to the dead air, "If this is my last night, I should stop running."
He was finally ready to accept it.
He closed his eyes again and crafted the mental image of the town of his memory, every field studded with crops, every rough stone building, every well and every windmill. It was so real that he could have painted it in moments from that imaginary reference. Then he filled it with people: the faces that had smiled at him every day, the hands that had patted him on the back or squeezed his fingers warmly, the compassionate souls who had raised him when he had nothing.
Then he imagined what would have been.
He could conjure up the memory of his attraction to Alice -- pretty, light-hearted Alice, who had always let her gaze linger too long on his hands or on his face when she thought he wasn't looking -- but it was a pale echo, tainted now. He couldn't imagine a life with her even if he'd intended to try making one. Running away together had crossed both their minds, but Fei had never seriously considered taking her away from everything she knew and everyone she loved.
She would have married Timothy, then. Fei liked to think that they would have made each other happy, the way they had before he'd arrived and changed everything. Fei would have continued living with Chief Lee, spending his days painting and practicing his martial arts and helping Timothy with construction work and repairs.
Sometimes they would have shared a drink together in the evenings before Timothy went home to his wife and Fei went home alone, no doubt to be hounded by Chief Lee about his solitary ways. Perhaps, with his two best friends married, he would have spent more time at Citan's, eating Yui's cooking and pondering over strange but seemingly harmless Doc's strange but seemingly harmless gadgets.
He would have watched Midori and Dan grow up... Maybe even watched Timothy and Alice have a child together. He hoped so. They would have been good parents. He would have loved to be a part of the family they created, even if only as one of many around the village who sought to make Lahan the wonderful place that it had been for everyone.
Things would have been different, in this world where he hadn't repaid their kindness so poorly. He would have warned them to get to safety at the first sign of trouble. He wouldn't have wanted to take the chance that something would go wrong, even just the death of a friend, if it might have had the potential to unleash Id...
If he had been someone stronger, someone able to face him in the first place.
Fei opened his eyes again and stared up at the ceiling.
Could he ever have learned to be that strong? Even now he only knew about Id; he still had no reason to believe he could fight him any more than he could have the half-dozen times in recent memory that he had simply lost consciousness and reawakened with no idea what had transpired. At least he had the consolation of knowing that after tomorrow he wouldn't have to worry about what Id might do.
Somewhere, he heard a door grind open, heavy metal hinges screaming in protest. Fei got to his feet again, ignoring the swinging of his hanging cage. A few beats later Elly came into view, her eyes finding his unerringly and holding there, their usual clear blue deep and fathomless in the dark. His heart skipped a beat as she approached. He curled his fingers around the bars, and she did the same when she approached, her hands just under his. Her skin was warm.
She said nothing for a long beat, just gazing into his eyes, and so he spoke first. "You were right," he told her, the faintest curve of his lips indicating the best humor he could muster. "I was running away from what I'd done. I've been doing it all my life."
Maybe he couldn't be strong enough to fight Id, but if nothing else, he could face Shevat's judgment and know that Elly -- that Bart and all the others -- that Elly would be safe from him. He wouldn't ever have to think back on what might have been again.
Then she said urgently, "I won't let them do this to you," and the moment of acceptance was gone.