![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
D. Gray-man, "The Outsider In" (Lenalee+everyone)
Lenalee never thought this would happen, but she doesn't regret leaving a friend to die. After all, he hasn't been a friend of hers for some time.
Warnings: Post canon fic borne of roleplaying. Features official scoldings, strange role reversals, and gen with hints of Lenalee/everyone -- just like in canon!
.the outsider in.
Lenalee sat straight in her chair, hands folded neatly in her lap, the rigid discipline covering up for the unhappiness knotting up in her chest. She couldn't look directly at Komui leaning over his desk, stress showing in the corners of his eyes, and hated the tension in his voice when he berated, "How could you flagrantly disobey a direct order like that? All our research could have gone to waste if Allen hadn't done your job for you--"
"Back off," said Kanda from the far corner. His arms were folded and his expression flat and uninviting when Lenalee glanced back at him. "Can't you see it wasn't easy for her?"
She stiffened, her gaze flying to her brother. He told Kanda stiffly, "Believe me, I have no intention of punishing her for caring too much about you and Allen."
"Really? It seems to me like that's exactly what you're doing. That sister complex of yours is clouding your--"
"Nothing is clouding my judgment," Komui said, slow and firm. "But this wouldn't be necessary if she hadn't questioned my orders. She was supposed to protect Bookman. If he had died because she ignored him, against her orders--"
"But he was fine."
"By chance. And this coming from you, who would sacrifice himself and all the rest of us in a heartbeat if we interfered with your mission--"
Lenalee shot to her feet, so swiftly that the chair tumbled loudly to the floor behind her. She could feel their eyes turn to her, the same way she could feel her hands trembling at her sides. The thought that Komui was angry with her made her feel sick inside, but much, much worse was the idea that Komui was fighting with Kanda because of her. The argument was surreal -- Komui blaming her, Kanda defending her right to abandon a mission.
She wouldn't allow the people she loved to be at one another's throats this way.
"Stop fighting," she said evenly. "Prosecute me for my insubordination if you feel it's necessary. But I made a choice -- and if I had to make it again, I would do the same thing."
She looked squarely at Komui, letting him see that she regretted nothing, and that no action he could take would make her regret it. Knowing that Allen and Kanda had been in trouble, she could never, ever have stood idly by Bookman's side just in case he was endangered.
His expression softened, and he spoke softer, for her ears alone -- a brother, and not a disciplinarian. "It's just not like you," Komui murmured. "A few years ago, you never would have left Lavi to die."
It sounded so cruel, so ruthless, when he put it that way, and it stripped her to the bone. She told him, equally quiet, "A few years ago, he hadn't left us first."
That was all of this conversation that she could take; she turned on her heel and headed quickly for the door, ignoring Komui calling out after her and Kanda cutting over him in a low voice. Out in the hallway she finally felt like she could breathe again, slowly unwinding as she strode down the dimly-lit corridor.
She loved these corridors: tall and imposing, but with the vast windows lining one wall, giving her a breath-taking view of the night sky, the cliffs and the water and the trees beyond the walls of the headquarters. It made her feel relaxed to move through them, each step defining where she belonged in a vast, incomprehensible world. Lenalee closed her eyes, breathing in deeply and exhaling, soft and quiet, but when she opened her eyes again, it was to the sight of Allen at the end of the hallway, waiting for her.
Being with Allen was harder than anyone else right now -- probably even harder than being with Bookman itself would be, if she hadn't been working so hard to avoid him -- because the sight of him made her relive that precise moment in her mind.
She lands light on her feet, turns to see them: Kanda and Allen, sprawled bruised and bleeding on the ground, staring up at her with surprise written on their faces. "What are you doing here?" Kanda demands, in the same beat that Allen asks, "Where's Lavi?"
She smiles for them. "I had to come and take care of my boys," she says. The name Lavi slides off her without recognition, as if she's forgotten it. These two, Kanda and Allen, are her world now.
And it's okay, really, truly okay with her, until she sees disappointment on Allen's face.
That silent judgment was so much louder than Komui's strident demands ringing from the communicator in her ear.
"Are you going to lecture me too?" she asked as she approached him, trying to muster a smile so that he could tell that she was only joking.
Allen settled in beside her, but he didn't smile back. "Maybe a little," he admitted, but at least the winter-blue eyes that settled on her were compassionate -- even sympathetic. "What happened back there, Lenalee?"
She turned her head, looking up at the stars above them beyond the vast windows lining the hallway -- clear white pinpoints in the black tapestry of the night sky. "I'm not as good a person as you are, Allen," she murmured.
Immediately he said, "That's not true, don't say things like that. You made a mistake. That doesn't make you a bad person--"
Lenalee smiled and shook her head. "No, I didn't make a mistake. I did it on purpose. That's why." She tangled her fingers together. "It really doesn't bother you, does it? That Lav-- Bookman just vanished for years, with no contact, and now he's back."
There was a long moment of silence, and then Allen said, "Of course it bothers me. But it's silly to take it out on him. I know that he was busy with his responsibilities as Bookman, probably traveling a lot--"
"And in a week, when they finish those damn translations, he'll be gone again," Lenalee interrupted him. She almost hated the research that had forced the Order to seek his assistance. "That doesn't bother you either?"
Allen sighed, slightly. "He's happy, Lenalee. That's all I ask."
"So you'll just be happy for him," Lenalee predicted. "While he's here you'll make him comfortable, and when he leaves, you'll wave goodbye with a smile. Because that's what you do, right? Make other people happy."
They kept walking in silence, those words sinking in, and Lenalee quickly felt terrible for having said it. It was true, of course -- everyone knew about Allen and his hateful tendency to martyr himself for the benefit of others -- but it wasn't right to hurt him with it. She'd long ago resigned herself to looking after him, moreso than any of her other, equally suicidal friends, because with Allen you might never even realize that he was giving up his own happiness for yours.
Damn you, Lavi, she thought, and lifted a hand to rub at her eyes. "I'm sorry," she murmured.
He shook his head, telling her, "No, don't be."
"I think it's stupid to pretend it won't hurt you to see him walk away," she forged ahead stubbornly. "But -- it takes a really good person not to hold it against him. And I -- I can't do that."
Four yours, and she still remembered very clearly the day that she realized that Lavi had left and wouldn't be coming back. She hadn't seen him around in nearly a week, and Kanda and Allen hadn't either, and everyone had some theory about where he was or what he was doing, but no one had known anything for certain. Eventually, she had asked Komui, and he had said only, 'We didn't need him here anymore, so it was time for him to go. He's the Bookman now, after all.'
The Bookman. She hated that title so much.
"He was part of my family, and he just left," she said in a whisper, because Allen would know what that meant. "How could I ever choose him over you and Kanda?"
"Lenalee--"
"Maybe you can be comfortable with him, and wave goodbye when he leaves, but I can't. I won't. If he wanted that--" She hesitated, and then rested her hand on the doorknob leading into her room. All she wanted to do now was lie down and go to sleep. "--then he should've acted like it meant something to him."
She let herself into her room, too polite to tell him to go away or shut the door on him, and Allen hovered in the doorway, too polite to enter without being asked. At least he didn't seem disappointed anymore, but this quiet tension wasn't much better.
"Well," he said finally, "I can't speak for Lavi."
"Bookman," she corrected, muted.
"I can't speak for Lavi." Allen smiled at her. "But -- the rest of your family is still here. And we'll never let you down. Kanda and I won't ever leave."
So next time, you don't need to worry about losing any more of your family, and you can focus on what you need to do.
Lenalee found herself smiling, very slightly. "Thank you, Allen," she said to the empty air.
"Good night, Lenalee."
Part of her wanted to ask, Do you think he might stay...? but she wasn't sure she wanted to know the answer, wasn't sure she wanted to open herself up to that hurt again. The vast probability was that he would be gone within the week. And if he didn't leave... maybe eventually she would give him a second chance.
But for now -- well. Her world was stronger than it had ever been.
Warnings: Post canon fic borne of roleplaying. Features official scoldings, strange role reversals, and gen with hints of Lenalee/everyone -- just like in canon!
.the outsider in.
Lenalee sat straight in her chair, hands folded neatly in her lap, the rigid discipline covering up for the unhappiness knotting up in her chest. She couldn't look directly at Komui leaning over his desk, stress showing in the corners of his eyes, and hated the tension in his voice when he berated, "How could you flagrantly disobey a direct order like that? All our research could have gone to waste if Allen hadn't done your job for you--"
"Back off," said Kanda from the far corner. His arms were folded and his expression flat and uninviting when Lenalee glanced back at him. "Can't you see it wasn't easy for her?"
She stiffened, her gaze flying to her brother. He told Kanda stiffly, "Believe me, I have no intention of punishing her for caring too much about you and Allen."
"Really? It seems to me like that's exactly what you're doing. That sister complex of yours is clouding your--"
"Nothing is clouding my judgment," Komui said, slow and firm. "But this wouldn't be necessary if she hadn't questioned my orders. She was supposed to protect Bookman. If he had died because she ignored him, against her orders--"
"But he was fine."
"By chance. And this coming from you, who would sacrifice himself and all the rest of us in a heartbeat if we interfered with your mission--"
Lenalee shot to her feet, so swiftly that the chair tumbled loudly to the floor behind her. She could feel their eyes turn to her, the same way she could feel her hands trembling at her sides. The thought that Komui was angry with her made her feel sick inside, but much, much worse was the idea that Komui was fighting with Kanda because of her. The argument was surreal -- Komui blaming her, Kanda defending her right to abandon a mission.
She wouldn't allow the people she loved to be at one another's throats this way.
"Stop fighting," she said evenly. "Prosecute me for my insubordination if you feel it's necessary. But I made a choice -- and if I had to make it again, I would do the same thing."
She looked squarely at Komui, letting him see that she regretted nothing, and that no action he could take would make her regret it. Knowing that Allen and Kanda had been in trouble, she could never, ever have stood idly by Bookman's side just in case he was endangered.
His expression softened, and he spoke softer, for her ears alone -- a brother, and not a disciplinarian. "It's just not like you," Komui murmured. "A few years ago, you never would have left Lavi to die."
It sounded so cruel, so ruthless, when he put it that way, and it stripped her to the bone. She told him, equally quiet, "A few years ago, he hadn't left us first."
That was all of this conversation that she could take; she turned on her heel and headed quickly for the door, ignoring Komui calling out after her and Kanda cutting over him in a low voice. Out in the hallway she finally felt like she could breathe again, slowly unwinding as she strode down the dimly-lit corridor.
She loved these corridors: tall and imposing, but with the vast windows lining one wall, giving her a breath-taking view of the night sky, the cliffs and the water and the trees beyond the walls of the headquarters. It made her feel relaxed to move through them, each step defining where she belonged in a vast, incomprehensible world. Lenalee closed her eyes, breathing in deeply and exhaling, soft and quiet, but when she opened her eyes again, it was to the sight of Allen at the end of the hallway, waiting for her.
Being with Allen was harder than anyone else right now -- probably even harder than being with Bookman itself would be, if she hadn't been working so hard to avoid him -- because the sight of him made her relive that precise moment in her mind.
She lands light on her feet, turns to see them: Kanda and Allen, sprawled bruised and bleeding on the ground, staring up at her with surprise written on their faces. "What are you doing here?" Kanda demands, in the same beat that Allen asks, "Where's Lavi?"
She smiles for them. "I had to come and take care of my boys," she says. The name Lavi slides off her without recognition, as if she's forgotten it. These two, Kanda and Allen, are her world now.
And it's okay, really, truly okay with her, until she sees disappointment on Allen's face.
That silent judgment was so much louder than Komui's strident demands ringing from the communicator in her ear.
"Are you going to lecture me too?" she asked as she approached him, trying to muster a smile so that he could tell that she was only joking.
Allen settled in beside her, but he didn't smile back. "Maybe a little," he admitted, but at least the winter-blue eyes that settled on her were compassionate -- even sympathetic. "What happened back there, Lenalee?"
She turned her head, looking up at the stars above them beyond the vast windows lining the hallway -- clear white pinpoints in the black tapestry of the night sky. "I'm not as good a person as you are, Allen," she murmured.
Immediately he said, "That's not true, don't say things like that. You made a mistake. That doesn't make you a bad person--"
Lenalee smiled and shook her head. "No, I didn't make a mistake. I did it on purpose. That's why." She tangled her fingers together. "It really doesn't bother you, does it? That Lav-- Bookman just vanished for years, with no contact, and now he's back."
There was a long moment of silence, and then Allen said, "Of course it bothers me. But it's silly to take it out on him. I know that he was busy with his responsibilities as Bookman, probably traveling a lot--"
"And in a week, when they finish those damn translations, he'll be gone again," Lenalee interrupted him. She almost hated the research that had forced the Order to seek his assistance. "That doesn't bother you either?"
Allen sighed, slightly. "He's happy, Lenalee. That's all I ask."
"So you'll just be happy for him," Lenalee predicted. "While he's here you'll make him comfortable, and when he leaves, you'll wave goodbye with a smile. Because that's what you do, right? Make other people happy."
They kept walking in silence, those words sinking in, and Lenalee quickly felt terrible for having said it. It was true, of course -- everyone knew about Allen and his hateful tendency to martyr himself for the benefit of others -- but it wasn't right to hurt him with it. She'd long ago resigned herself to looking after him, moreso than any of her other, equally suicidal friends, because with Allen you might never even realize that he was giving up his own happiness for yours.
Damn you, Lavi, she thought, and lifted a hand to rub at her eyes. "I'm sorry," she murmured.
He shook his head, telling her, "No, don't be."
"I think it's stupid to pretend it won't hurt you to see him walk away," she forged ahead stubbornly. "But -- it takes a really good person not to hold it against him. And I -- I can't do that."
Four yours, and she still remembered very clearly the day that she realized that Lavi had left and wouldn't be coming back. She hadn't seen him around in nearly a week, and Kanda and Allen hadn't either, and everyone had some theory about where he was or what he was doing, but no one had known anything for certain. Eventually, she had asked Komui, and he had said only, 'We didn't need him here anymore, so it was time for him to go. He's the Bookman now, after all.'
The Bookman. She hated that title so much.
"He was part of my family, and he just left," she said in a whisper, because Allen would know what that meant. "How could I ever choose him over you and Kanda?"
"Lenalee--"
"Maybe you can be comfortable with him, and wave goodbye when he leaves, but I can't. I won't. If he wanted that--" She hesitated, and then rested her hand on the doorknob leading into her room. All she wanted to do now was lie down and go to sleep. "--then he should've acted like it meant something to him."
She let herself into her room, too polite to tell him to go away or shut the door on him, and Allen hovered in the doorway, too polite to enter without being asked. At least he didn't seem disappointed anymore, but this quiet tension wasn't much better.
"Well," he said finally, "I can't speak for Lavi."
"Bookman," she corrected, muted.
"I can't speak for Lavi." Allen smiled at her. "But -- the rest of your family is still here. And we'll never let you down. Kanda and I won't ever leave."
So next time, you don't need to worry about losing any more of your family, and you can focus on what you need to do.
Lenalee found herself smiling, very slightly. "Thank you, Allen," she said to the empty air.
"Good night, Lenalee."
Part of her wanted to ask, Do you think he might stay...? but she wasn't sure she wanted to know the answer, wasn't sure she wanted to open herself up to that hurt again. The vast probability was that he would be gone within the week. And if he didn't leave... maybe eventually she would give him a second chance.
But for now -- well. Her world was stronger than it had ever been.